I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
