I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
