Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
