I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
