Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
