If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
