On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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