The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
