How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
