Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
