Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.