I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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