people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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