FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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