Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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