Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
