I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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