Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
