I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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