Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
