Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come back. Shots need mouths.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
