remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
