so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
