Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
