Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
