things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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