I'd wear matching sweaters with you
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
