even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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