oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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