i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
