my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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