I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
