onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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