Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
