new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize