i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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