I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
