2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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