sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
