Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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