The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
