It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
