you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
