we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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