hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was confusing and full of hummus
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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