tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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