i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
