I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
