my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
