headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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