it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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