Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
