I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
