I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
