Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
