I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
