i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think my moral compass just broke
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
