You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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