You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
